symondrake.com » humour

The Mair Park Bigfoot pays off

Symon — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:01:00 +0000

Many moons ago while surfing Amazon’s Listmanias I came across an author by the name of Jeremy Robinson. To cut a long story short, he was running a viral video contest to promote his new book, Pulse. I bribed my good buddy Lesmondj into spending a Saturday afternoon in the bush and what eventuated was two versions of the now infamous Bigfoot attack video (over 10,000 hits now on Metacafe and YouTube).

We won by a landslide, the closest (and only) opponent trailing by 9000ish hits (but who’s counting) and I was delighted to recieve the promised books last week.

A massive THANKYOU to Jeremy Robinson for the very generous prize (and for forking out mega moolah for the postage). Please check out his site here.

And for all those dying to know how the movie magic was created, here is some Bigfoot Attack Footage trivia…

1. No, the Bigfoot wasn’t real. There was more than one concerned person thinking the footage was authentic. Lesmondj and I must have the mean acting skills (and girls dig guys who have skills…).

2. The entire attack scene was done on the first take… with an imagined Bigfoot, yes imagined, not real.

3. Jon Dylan used his computer hacking skills to overlay the Bigfoot sound effects (purchased from Itunes for $1.79).

4. Apparently, the Bigfoot growls sound identical to a real Bigfoot, as one reader commented (as she deals with them on a daily basis – seriously).

5. The Mair Park Ghost legend is mostly true.

6. On the short version, Yes, the blood was real… from my nose. Don’t ask.

7. The rotting bone at the cave’s entrance (tedious version) was stolen from my dog.

8. Lesmondj spent the majority of the attack scene voluntarily lying in a puddle of water. The mark of a true friend.

9. There was no script.

View the short (and exhilirating) version below:

Footage of Bigfoot Attack? – Click here for more blooper videos

View the long (but informative) version below:

Narnia and Me

Symon — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 07:37:00 +0000

Our Whippet puppy, Narnia, is 7 months old. Although I love her to bits, sometimes I really do wonder if it’s worth it. Let me give you a run down on the finer points of life with a Whippet…

1. Narnia was created by God to bring embarrassment to an otherwise happy life.

2. Narnia has almost an acre to herself but insists on visiting the neighbour’s properties and inviting herself into their houses.

3. Narnia get super-excited, jumpy and licky when she meets people who hate dogs.

4. Narnia can sit, lie down, speak, shake hands, and come on command… but only if she sees a treat in my hand, and then only when she feels like it.

5. Narnia is just now coming to terms with toilet training.

6. Narnia is in love with our cat Barney.

7. Narnia will jump on the sofa, stand an inch away from my ear, and bark until I play with her.

8. Narnia is a firm believer in the age-old addage, “If it can be chewed, it will be, or I will die trying.”

9. Narnia enjoys a bone in the sunshine, tied to the clothesline, until she gets bored and then she will bark continuously until she is brought inside.

10. Narnia’s shenanigans have prompted a visit from the SPCA, and a visit from a disgruntled neighbour.

I don’t think there is another human being alive who relates to ‘Marley and Me’ more than me.

The mobile phone and the poo explosion

Symon — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 09:09:00 +0000

Yesterday’s post reminded me of a fateful day in 2006 while living in our very first house.

Prologue

Daddy’s little princess decided to send daddy’s phone on a marvelous adventure into the wonderful world of waterland.

Chapter 1: What if?

It all started a couple of days before when, one moment I had my mobile phone, and the next minute I didn’t. That, in itself is not unusual at all for me, because I misplace things all the time. What was strange was that after hours of searching in our very small house, the phone remained elusive. I came to the conclusion that it had been abducted by the same aliens that had stolen everything else that I have lost and never found again. That was until our toilet decided to have the mother of all blockages, and I began to wonder “What if…”.

Chapter 2: Evacuated

Yes indeed. The toilet was blocked so bad that absolutely no water would flush, and no amount of plunging would unstop it. The family had to be evacuated (as is usual procedure for civil emergencies), and I spent the next day excavating the back yard in an attempt to find the drain pipe.

Chapter 3: Drainman

I employed the services of an elderly (but very experienced) drainman, who assured me there was no pipe in existence that couldn’t be unblocked with his ‘contraption’. This contraption was a highly modified high pressure hose which worked its way up/or down blocked drain-pipes blasting (and therefore dislodging) every thing daring to stand in its way. All seemed to be going according to plan, until the contraption met with a very solid immovable object (phone-shaped if you will) which had lodged itself in the pipe, effectively halting a week’s worth of poo and paper.

Chapter 4: Fire in the hole!

The drainman, realising that his reputation was on the line now, determined that no blockage would get the better of him. He proceeded to break a hole in the pipe’s wall, and with the contraption at full throttle at one end, attempted to dislodge the blockage with his bare-hands at the other. Very bad idea.

Chapter 5: Oh …

I never did see what caused the blockage as it was well and truly ‘flushed away’ in the deluge that ensued… What I did see however (and I’m sure it was in slow-motion), was the drainman coming face to face with his adversary in explosive fashion, quite literally. If ever there was a wrong time to be in a wrong place… it was where the drainman was. I only wish I had a video-recorder.

Chapter 6: …Happy Day

Have you ever had one of those precious moments in life when, although you know you shouldn’t, you laugh at another person’s expense, and it makes your day? This was one of those times. It was almost worth all the trouble.

Chapter 7: Hardly ever after

The drainman, with his vast years of experience said that blockage was consistent with the mobile-phone-flushed-down-the-toilet-by-a-toddler hypothesis. Before he went home to wash up, I asked him if he ever got sick. He replied… hardly ever.

Epilogue

850,000 phones meet death by toilet yearly in the UK. http://www.wirelessinfo.com/

‘Dangerous breed’ dog owners with children beware!

Symon — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:19:00 +0000

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a ‘dangerous breed’ category and you also have a small child please take this as a warning. Don’t leave your dog with the child unattended under any circumstances.

Only a little moment was enough for the following to happen.

Crochet rocks! (Thanks to Woo)

Symon — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 09:16:00 +0000

Yes, you did read the post title correctly. I, Burton… former mocker of crocheters worldwide have changed my ways. I have seen the light, and I owe it all to Woo!

This guy has actually succeeded in turning me from one who was embarrassed to be in the same car with my wife while she crocheted, to someone who not only is okay with crochet… but who now thinks crochet ROCKS!

Be sure to check out his blog, his work is very impressive, and he is absolutely hilarious!

PS – Howie… do you have the instructions for those awesome grenades?

Green ’round Grenades from WooWork on Vimeo.

Treat your mother right… fool!

Symon — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 10:21:00 +0000

Anyone growing up in the 80′s loved Mr. T. He was an icon of a bygone and fondly reminisced era. My wife even had a crush on him back in the day (married me because we look so similar;-) But I digress.

What I bet most of us Gen X’s don’t know (or anyone else for that matter) is that Mr. T had a brief stint as a singer/songwriter. I kid you not… and video proof follows.

Kinda catchy if you ask me…

How to avoid Swine-flu

Symon — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:19:00 +0000

Burton’s number 1 tip for avoiding the current swine-flu pandemic… Avoid doing this.

Flower Killing 101

Symon — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 01:41:00 +0000

Only a maniacal psychopathic would mortally wound a puppy and present it to a loved-one as a symbol of love and appreciation.

Considering this, read on.

Flower killing 101

1. Pick flower, thus condemning it to slow death.

2. Present dying flower to someone special.

3. Someone special places flower in water, displaying its slow death for all to see, in similar fashion to roman crucifixion.

4. Flower, once dead, is discarded and forgotten.

Shops exist specifically for the purpose of trafficking dying flowers for human pleasure.

On February 14th each year, flower traffickers worldwide take advantage of sadistic tradition by doubling price of dying flowers.

Humans, are now so de-sensitised and depraved that the practise of flower giving (torture, display and death) is seen as an expression of love. Marriage, mankind’s ultimate ceremony of love, is celebrated with women holding clusters of dying flowers, and men displaying them proudly pinned to their chests.

Sick.

Nana was kung fu fighting

Symon — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 07:35:00 +0000

Nana passed away when I was a tween. She lived out of town and I never saw her all that much. She was an elderly, eccentric, half-Italian lady, who knew a lot of grief in her lifetime.

One memory of her that always makes me smile is the time she stayed with us a few days during the school holidays in the eighties.

It seemed like Nana lived for soap operas and no one could pry her from the television set during her daily helping of Young And The Restless, Days Of Our Lives and other similar drivel.

I was going through a Jackie Chan phase at the time and had absent-mindedly forgotten to eject ‘Project A’ (Jackie Chan classic) from the video player, when it was Nana’s turn to watch the tele.

Nana must have wondered why her much-loved soaps had become so action-packed all of a sudden, because unbeknownst to me at the time, she had accidentally pushed ‘Play’ on the remote and watched Jackie Chan for two hours!

Wax on wax off Nana! The following youtube clip is dedicated to you ;-)

The day Taloola crowed

Symon — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 09:04:00 +0000

I thought Taloola was a just a really big hen, until recently, when my son mentioned that he saw her ‘riding on the other hen’s backs’. And so, we realised that she was actually a ‘he’… and Taloola became Mr. Taloola.

Surprisingly, Taloola never crowed until today (perhaps his name confused him somewhat). He sealed his fate at 5.30am this morning, when his masculinity kicked in and for the first time he was the king of the roost. Unfortunately, keeping roosters is illegal in urban areas of NZ. Seeing that free-range chicken meat is very expensive and that Christmas is only a few days away, I decided that Mr. Taloola would give his life for a worthy cause…. Christmas lunch.

My brother, his wife and son are staying for a few days. This afternoon, as I dispatched Taloola (with my rather blunt garden-machette), little did I realise that my nephew was watching… in horror.

A scene from Napoleon Dynamite immediately came to mind… and although the situation was unfortunate, I can’t help but smile.